I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
