cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
