My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
