We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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