Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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