I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
