New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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