His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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