She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
