I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Someone signed my nipple.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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