You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm way too hungover for life right now
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
