And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
