If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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