nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
