HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
