Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I would fuck him just for his dog
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
