be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
