I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
