as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
