i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
the condom got lost in my hair
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
