Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
