you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
