Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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