Please, let me fuck your mom
I want to walk on stilts...naked
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
