You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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