i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
