my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
