Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
