This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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