was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
