i wish starbucks made bloody marys
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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