I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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