conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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