I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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