YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
