Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Randomize
