six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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