A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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