hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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