tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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