My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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