It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
