Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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