so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
