i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
