btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
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