i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
