I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
