Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
