there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
